Yesterday I came home and Callum said “Your shrinking!”  He looked directly at my body.  When he does that it makes me nervous.  He was telling me how I am noticable loosing inches.  Callum said this for a few weeks now.  In fact sometimes he says “hello there everly decreasing circle”, referring to my waist line.  Talk about beautiful encouragement.  My immediate response?  Well I kind of felt like I was walking along in a forest and you hear somebody step on a branch and you suddenly stop.  It takes me off guard.  The female internal reoccurring question come up.  “What does that mean?”

I know that my body is changing and my clothes are feeling better and I knew something was happening.  I have been avoiding it even avoiding weighing myself.  I did not intentionally, full heartedly want it to happen.  This took a long time to admit.  I literally stared at my computer screen for a while before writing this.  Imagine admitting I am not sure if I want weight loss to happen. 

The reality is I have been on a healthy nutrition program that shows results very quickly.  In fact the first 2 weeks I safely lost 8 lbs. and that really put me over.  Whoa there! Halt!  Who said you should go so fast?  Am I ready for this?  I quickly learned I had to slow this process down.  Secretly I have been fighting it every step of the way. 

Last year I did a lot of soul-searching on why do I not want to get smaller in size?  As soon as I hit 180 lbs. I felt safe.  This has been the smallest I have been in my adult life.  Last summer I knew it was fear based.  Now I’m not sure.  The struggle is that even though I am smaller now I am still a health risk.  In fact my health is in treatment.

If I were to drop the final 50 lbs. my immediate scary thought is a new one.  There would be no reason why I could not be a mother.  I would be healthy enough for a pregnancy. 

There are so many mixed emotions becoming a mother has over me.   I did not have the best childhood.  Apart of becoming a mother is addressing these issues head on.  I really haven’t faced what has happened to me in my childhood.  I never wanted it as an excuse to succeed in life.  So I ignored it.  The fear now is because I have ignored it for so long I do not want my history to transpose itself  into my ability of becoming a good mother.  Now with that said, how do I overcome this? 

I have to not stop these gears in motion.  I know by stopping it has created this illness. I have to go forward.  I have to let go.  Let go and do what is right to my body.  I can no longer afford to stop my progress because the temporary disease that is occupying my body can get worse. 

I can write the end of my story anywhere.  3 to 5 months away I can achieve my perfect weight if I just let it happen.  I still wonder if I should do this?  I don’t have a lot of time.  I use to have decades of playing with the idea of being healthy.  I don’t have that luxury any more.

Having babies with my husband is something I have to concentrate on.  Visualization.  I have to visualize and feel the real feelings of what it means to have my body at a healthy weight, be a mother and live harmoniously with my husband.

I have plenty of support around me.  One of my favorite friends Lucy chants “Just do it!  Don’t think about it too much just do it.  Be happy.”  Rebeca (my ex-therapist and my mentor) said to me recently “Do not fear being happy hija (hija means daughter in Spanish) you deserve to have a happy life.  Don’t complicate it.”  Noemi is getting married and I’m the bridesmaid.  Noemi is one of the best manifester’s that puts things in action.  So inspirational…  Speaking of inspiration of transformation my dear friend Alia who by leaps and bounds is conquering her personal weight issues and going full steam ahead.  Alia is so positive and has a new energy around her.

On that note the first serious steps.  Measurements and weight need to be recorded.  I’m on my way for the 1 millionth time with no apologies.

Could it be, Francesca, they’ve momentarily forgotten that they’re supernatural, that they can have whatever they want, and that life is but a dream?

2010 is all yours, baby -
    The Universe

Creating What Happens Next

the inner unrealistic wants from a Latina in Pasadena

Thursday, December 31, 2009

First off I feel a little weird writing about what I want next considering my charmed past few years of finding my mate for life and happily married him this past year.  I consider this apart of my “Dare to Dream” personal series where I dream out loud of what I want next.  The most profound thing about doing these types of exercises is that they all have come true! Every single time I have concentrated on a thought/ dream they have come true.  I don’t see why I should stop dreaming?  So what’s next for me?  What do I really want now?  As big as that dream is don’t we all deserve to have that dream?  Could you just imagine what we all wanted would come true?  Just this serene peace that we all have inside was tapped into because we all knew are dreams would come true…

My Dream for 2010

In this wildest dream scenario I want to earn unforeseen income through my art and writing that will fund many plane tickets and adventures.  I want to travel but it would not be the run of the mill travel but to experience the vineyards of France on a bike, hiking the mountains of New Zealand and maybe white water rafting.  I would suddenly become fearless in these trips and would even flirt with the idea of walking the length of Europe!  I would fulfill the Eat chapter of Elizabeth Gilbert’s book of Eat Pray and Love in Rome!  Of course with all this wonderful abundance and contentment a baby would be created under one starry night.  Callum will have a thriving in his career and would be incredibly happy.  I want to live in this world and enjoy is everyday delights to the fullest.  The excess weight will effortlessly fall off because it just was the natural balance of things.  Then I would write a small series of the freedom that the bikini wearing body really is.  It would be a number one best seller (naturally!) and I would hold both Oprah’s hands while telling my story.  This blissful state will set me up for my next adventure called motherhood where I will tell the tales (and do the illustrations) of baby Alexander first year in life and what the little tike has taught me.  Lastly wildly imagining and planning for a life in New Zealand in 2012.

Okay 2010 I just called you out as mine!  In gratitude I just want to give you an advance with my sincerest thanks.  I promise to charge up on my good thoughts in humanity and live very loudly.  I hope the same for you dear reader.

Christmas Tamales with a side of Regret

true confessions of a Mexican food addict

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

I have this fierce connection when it comes to Mexican food.  This holiday I historically release weight.  I release it because I don’t indulge or go over the top.  I have ignored those items I use to go in excess but this year with my brand new husband I have had tunnel vision and the focus was all the Mexican food I love and adore. 

Also having Callum here in Los Angeles I want to have him experience all the delicious authentic taste, smells and savory dishes I grew up loving.  It started by taking him to Olvera Street in downtown L.A. where I wanted him to taste his first homemade tortilla with carnitas.  Carnitas is braised pork then fried in this crispy delightfulness that becomes so brilliant with a creamy guacamole pored over it on top of a hot homemade corn tortilla.  I ask you can it get any better?  This was Thanksgiving and with Christmas the traditional Mexican American household will make homemade tamales.

The tamales in my family is a recipe that my father perfected during the years and families will actually use their recipe as bragging rights.  Well except for my family where if you leave the house with a bag of tamales there will be a throw down fight.  I’m serious loyalties will be challenged and alliances will develop.  5 year olds will be trained to steal tamales directly from a pot and thrown in a zip lock while placing in mom’s purse when grandma isn’t looking.  It’s brutal…  Because of this “scarcity” I thought if I just ate my weight in tamales I don’t have to steal some to take home.  It didn’t help that my dad made the best batch of tamales of his life.  The pork (yes pork again) was so succulent and marinated in the toasted Sante Fe Chilies that were later constituted and mixed in a blender.   This sauce was hot enough and just smoky enough that for the rest of the year I will dream about next Christmas.

Now as you may have noticed I used scarcity and Callum to over indulge in this rich textured, full bodied, carb loaded, corn masa heaven of a tamale.  Since this is the most passionate I have been in a while writing you may gather by now I went overboard in this indulgence of food.  I mean I haven’t even told you about my Mexican Sweet Bread experience that happened 4 weeks ago! 

So now as lines have been drawn or that red line on the scale has shown me its time to be serious.  Serious in what my true calling and vision is.  That fit girl is in here somewhere.  Somewhere underneath all the corn husk.

This entry is what I learned being alone after committing to marriage to a beautiful man named Callum then hopped on a plane home to Los Angeles leaving my new husband in New Zealand.  The past 7 months was to finish what I had not dealt with in my personal life and get myself ready to sharing my life with my husband without any self imposed restrictions. 

At first it was an adjustment in a new apartment in the Pasadena theatre district alone.  My neighborhood is not a run of the mill neighborhood, but a romantic one.  I fell in love with Callum in this neighborhood on long weekend walks while on my cell phone with Callum.  Callum was living in Dubai at the time and he began courting me.  It wasn’t the usual courtship where dinner & a movie was something to expect.  I was courted a very old world way.  Callum sent me poetry and long letters.  The only difference was it was through a modern medium called email.  All of this romance took place in Pasadena.  So when we found our amazing apartment right in the middle of this energetic neighborhood it seemed meant to be.

When I was left to sort out my life and live by myself I fought it most of the time.  I really didn’t want to live like I planned.  I wanted to just hide in our apartment and just wait for him.  I closed myself off and instead spent most weekends alone and became very skittish around people.  I became depressed and despondent asking my favorite haunted word “why.”  I noticed it not only affected me but it also affected Callum.  I had to change.

I did things I didn’t think I could do. A five mile hike in the steepest incline I have ever done to attending a self defense class.  I want to become the woman I always wanted to be and with that I need to live like her.  Live in the moment and do it now.  I wanted lots of different experiences and wanted to cram it in while Callum was away.  I was the old single me (well minus the dating and thank God!) again and started enjoying my personal time alone.  I also did a lot of journal writing and worked with Rebeca this past summer on a lot of untouched issues.  I feel ready to continue but now as a married couple.  I absolutely plan to keep my independent personal goals.  My fitness journey is not over and I will shortly change that up. 

It really is about the adventure isn’t it?  Living like I want to live right now.  Bringing in the possibility of children into my life and starting a family.  Thinking like Callum and having me realize I can be a citizen of the world just like him and not reside in just one part of the world.  Right now he’s on a plane headed to LAX and when he lands our truest adventure will begin as man and wife in an apartment in Pasadena, California.

Freedom is the theme of my life at the moment.  Apart from the obvious American theme and wanting Callum to finish his immigration from New Zealand to the U.S.  Freedom is also what I want for me.  I want to be free from my self imposed blocks of taking my dream of physical healthy freedom to fruition. 

I just took our calculator and checked on the total pound(s) release and it is now a whooping 79 lbs.!  I will not give power to that stupid word “plateau”.  It is a self imposed mental block and not staying true with what I know works.  Primarily food journaling and consistently working out is what I had strong success with.  I know the answers.  I know the calorie deficit with working out will give a result.  I just stop. I stop without any real explanation but know that it is still fear based.

I liked releasing the weight slowly.  I would slowly come to terms with my new body and get used to the new sizes.  Because fear is wrapped around the weight I have given a lot of work into what the fears are and issue by issue I have worked on each one. 

A few weeks back I relooked at my “Scary List” and tackled self defense class.  The city of West Hollywood gave this class free in their community. I had a hard time going and it was really difficult to show up.  Then I realized I’m forever doing that.  Making excuses not to “show up” for myself.  It was important for me to go and show up.

I forced myself to go to the front of the class to participate and was open to hurting someone who would try to harm me. It was an amazing experience where we were taught to fight.  I think for women we have to reprogram ourselves that it is okay to fight to keep yourself alive. It was very moving when I saw a woman in this class try to find their voice when yelling no. I can so relate to her and I was really effected by her emotions.  She was so brave! I saw another women shake when they were addressing the volunteer male assailant. It was great to see other women react like I would.  I learned a lot and felt strong after the 2 hour class.

Every week I have intentions and get fired up.  I’m at the home stretch for fulfilling my dream my destiny of being a healthy fit weight and then nothing.  It’s like having all the answers all the solutions to a problem and all you have to do is apply them and your set.  No more issue.  The fear I fight daily is there.  Fear that I can rationalize away.  Fear that shouldn’t even be a part of my life is still there. 

If I am of healthy weight I do not have to worry about a high risk pregnancy.  I could move more freely around as I start to bicycle or hike or even run.  This past weekend was the NY marathon and how I would have loved to participate in that.  I have so many wants still.  They all seem impossible but I just can’t/ won’t let go.  I want more.  I was moved by a Biggest Loser contestant Abby this week when she said “I’m gonna live and not just exist anymore.”

Showing Up for Me

Dia De Los Muertos Self Portrait

I know this sounds weird so bare with me. I feel like I lived two very different lives. The first part as Francine Gonzales and later Francine Alfano where chaos was a companion and never ending uncontrollable circumstances happened. Now I am Francesca Alexander. A new life, new beginning and embracing the transformation of me. Or so I thought. A few weeks back I created this painting as a day of the dead piece to celebrate the death of Francine. She is the past I am the future and I wanted to thank her for her contributions that she has given me.  Almost sounds great but still arrogant and disconnected from my original vision. As I painted the piece was too bold and the skull was too large for my taste I started to softly airbrush the image to hide the face. I realized I was embarrassed of my past image and quickly found a way to cover it up. I know how to cover up.  I don’t know how to bury.  I thought these issues were resolved.  I went to see Rebeca to search what I needed to do. Rebeca said she had the answer so clear but I had to discover it on my own.

Final Countdown for Callum coming home!

Callum is wrapping up all his requirements to fulfill his immigration progress.  Cal has his interview with Auckland immigration on November 18^th.  He purchased his ticket to Auckland for the interview.  Wellington and Auckland are like the distance between Los Angeles and San Francisco.  After this process it will take up to 2 days for a Visa to be issued and then he is free to come to the states as a United States resident!

I’ll keep you posted.

When I talk about Callum I often write how he just shows up for me when I need him. He has always been supportive and always wants to resolve any problem I’m having without me asking. It will be great to start my new life with him.  I can’t wait until the end of this month!

Shay Sorrells from Biggest Loser

Shay from this Season's Bigges Loser

Shay Sorrells is the 476lbs. Biggest Loser contestant.  This past episode she has dropped below 400 lbs.  She is such an inspiration and such a relatable contestant and I follow her on the show.   My whole family is in love with her!  If you tweet check her out @shayBL

Shay’s Grocery list

These are the foods that we had on the ranch and I eat at home. The 

local stores here are Ralph’s , Whole Foods (W/F) & Trader Joe’s (T/J):

FRUITS

Blue Berries – Ralphs

Strawberries W/F

Black Berries – Ralphs

Rasberries W/F

Apples – GALA, GRANNY SMITH Ralphs

Lemon W/F

Lime W/F

Melons- waterrmelon & cantaloupe ralph’s

Oranges Ralphs

Plums Ralphs

Peaches Ralphs

Grapefruit Ralphs

VEGETABLES –

Artichokes W/F

Spaghetti Squash – not banana squash W/F

Baby Carrots W/F

Brussels Sprouts – W/F

Asparagus W/F

Broccoli & Broccolini W/F

Bell Pepper ( Orange, Red, Green, Yellow) W/F

Celery W/F

Cucumber W/F

Eggplant W/F

Garlic – Already cut up W/F

Jicama

Lettuce – Romaine W/F

Spinach – Regular and Baby W/F

Onions – White W/F

Zuchini W/F

Tomato W/F

Cherry Tomatoes W/F

Mushrooms – W/F

Green Beans W/F

GRAINS –

Brown Rice – Short grain W/F T/J

Microwavable Brown Rice Ralphs

Whole Wheat Pasta W/F T/J

Brown Rice Pasta W/F T/J

Corn tortilla W/F

Low Carb Whole Wheat tortillas Ralphs

100% whole wheat bread Ralphs

Steel Cut Oatmeal T/J

Kashi Go Lean Ralphs

Fat Free Low Sodium Black Beans – Organic W/F

Eggplant Hummus T/J

NUTS –

Dry Roasted Almonds – W/F

Raw Cashews- Organic W/F

FISH

Wild Alaskan Salmon (Not FARM RAISED) Ralphs

Tilapia Ralphs

Shrimp Ralphs

Tuna Ahi W/F T/J

Orange Roughy

Alaskan Halibut W/F T/J

MEAT- LOW SODIUM OR SALT FREE

Chicken – Organic Boneless – Skinless (Raw) Chicken Breast W/F T/J

Turkey – Organic Ground Turkey Breast W/F

No Salt Sliced Turkey Breast W/F

Uncured No Nitrite Turkey Bacon T/J

Roast Beef Ralphs

Low Sodium Ham Ralphs

EGGS & DAIRY

Egg Whites W/F

Fat Free Greek Yogurt – 0% W/F T/J

Cheese Reduced Fat all varieties W/F

Reduced Fat String Cheese Ralphs

Reduced Fat cheese slices (various kinds) Ralphs

Laughing Cow Light Cheese wedges Ralphs

CONDIMENTS, OILS, AND SPICES STORE

Balsamic Vinegar Ralphs

No Sugar Low Sodium Organic Pasta Sauce T/J

No Carb BBQ Sauce and Ketchup Ralphs

Galeo’s Salad Dressing (all flavors) W

Mustard (all different kinds) W/F

DRIED SPICES –

All spice, basil, oregano, curry, turmeric, chili powder, crushed red 

pepper, dill, cinnamon, rosemary, pepper, etc. Ralphs

ALL SODIUM FREE SPICE BLENDS Ralphs

Low Sodium Organic Chicken Broth W/F T/J

Extra Virgin Olive Oil W/F T/J

I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter Spray Ralphs

Fresh Salsa – NOT from jar W/F T/J

DRINKS AND BEVERAGES

Coffee – ORGANIC W/F

Arizona Diet Green Tea w/ Ginseng Ralphs

Honest Tea- Black Assam Tea W/F

My Twitter painting. The flowers represent my diverse follower's

Where I’m At Wednesday, September 23, 2009

I have been sitting at this blank screen for a while not knowing what to talk about.  I have had a different path then I expected handed to me this past month.  No word yet on the immigration process with Callum.  A new building and office move.  My car just died yesterday and I’m hoping she will be healed soon.  Callum’s commitment to me has floored me.  Summer is almost over and daylight is rapidly leaving.

My Callum is still in Wellington and sings the same song to me everyday about how much he loves me and needs me.  His encouragement of my fitness and how I should deal with what life has to throw at me.  We still have that Ying and Yang thing where when I’m down he’s up and when he’s down I’m up.  We have the same goals in what we want out of life but mostly concentrate on being together.  How we do anything to be together right now.  There are days where were angry were apart and we take it our on each other. 

The absolute stress of being apart in a new marriage was not weighed in by the U.S. immigration department.  I don’t want to go into a needless tirade here regarding U.S. immigration process because it has no bearing of who we are.  We don’t apologize for being from different countries.  At first there was an amazing romanticism about it.  We are a couple that fell in love and had a sense of adventure enough to broaden our horizons.  We did not look for love regionally but called on each other globally.  It makes perfect sense for me since I wished on a star in the Universe to find him quickly at age five.

Everyday we wait.  Everyday we hope.  Everyday were done.  This is what I know.  I’m blessed to have an amazing new family and a new country called New Zealand as my home.  I’m grateful that my family fell in love with Callum too.  I’m happy that my nephew Ralphie calls Callum “Tio Kiwi” (Tio (teeO) means uncle in Spanish).  I am free to imagine creating a family with my husband with the planning of children soon.  All of what I know for sure is that I have a future with this incredible man that can make me laugh even when my car breaks down on the freeway.

Summer is ending and the cold weather is approaching.  My thoughts of Callum will help keep me warm.

Rebeca at 15 in the 1930's painted by Mexican Icon Diego Rivera

I was always supposed to meet Rebeca.  I have fumbled through life so much that in Feb. 2006 I had enough.  I was strung out on my latest male addiction, engaged to him and he was leaving for Iraq soon.  I needed help.  My great and long time friend Noemi introduced me to her family therapist Rebeca and I made my first appointment.  At Rebeca’s office I discovered I wanted more out of life than what I thought I deserved.  My path led me to her and I was ready.

After a devastating breakup that happened in week 2 of my therapy I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go on.  I exhausted myself so much again I didn’t get the point.  What am I doing wrong? I’m a good person. Why? I was high in my dissolutions and my perception of men, money, sex and alcohol.  Using all of these can get me through another week.  I went into a high risk mode and was recklessly spontaneous and for fear of my life I wanted change. 

I started painting and there with the work I was doing with Rebeca something happened.  I started dreaming.  What did I want?  Where did I want to live?  How did I want to live? What kind of man did I want in my life?  Then on canvas I started being honest of what I wanted and after a year of therapy with Rebeca my vision was clear.

I learned so much and it is because of Rebeca that I’m here in the present loving life and continue to ask “What do I want?”

 The love letter

 What I’m about to share is a letter that Rebeca gave me from her patient.  Let me explain first. 

 Back in 2007 I was trying to spot one of those elusive “good guys” what they used to call a true gentleman back in the day.  Problem was I didn’t think they really existed.  They were just characters in romance novels.  Since it was so familiar picking the “bad boy” it was hard picking the “good guy” out of a line up. 

 Rebeca did all she could do to assure me that these good men do exist she had hard evidence to prove they were around us.  Rebeca had given an assignment to her male patient (Rebeca’s all about assignments.) this assignment was for him to write about his perfect woman.  His perfect match. 

 I love this letter and it changed my life.  Within a year I met Callum.  I hope you like it and fall in love with it like I did.  Enjoy. 

Author’s gratitude: To Rebeca’s patient. I once wrote you a thank you letter but the truth is my heart will always say thank you for this letter.

She is bright, kind and gentle.  She is confident, happy, and secure.  She is creative and artistic.  She loves music, and to dance and sing.  She has a great sense of humor, a wonderful laugh, and she laughs often.  Her eyes sparkle when she does.  She has a smile that can light up a room.  It the kind of smile that when you see it, you can’t help but smiling back.  You could never get tired of it, and waking up to it would set everything in your day off to a perfect start.

She is easy to talk to, and always has an interesting point of view.  She is great at being the devil’s advocate, and likes to debate.  She makes people think about things differently.  She is fun to be with, and has an inherent ability to put people at ease.

She cares very deeply about those around her.  She has an amazing family, and is very close to them.  She is patient, and giving to a fault.  She has a powerful sense of what is right and fair, and the strength to fight for both.  She would never intentionally do something to hurt someone else.  She hasn’t always had things easy, and this has made her stronger and given her depth and character.

She is not concerned with how other people view her, but many people admire who she is.  She has the ability to inspire and challenge others to be their best.  She knows what she wants in life, and is willing to put in the effort to get it.  She is honest, loyal and reliable.  She is graceful, feminine, and sophisticated, but without being arrogant.  She enjoys the simple things in life, and is very grateful for what she has.

She has a wonderful sense of adventure.  She loves to travel and to try new things.  She keeps a long list of things she wants to do and places she wants to go.  She knows how to relax, but is active most of the time.  She loves to stay home and cook.  She likes having parties, and is a great hostess.

She is intuitive—she understands people.  She is good at relating to how others feel, at knowing what they need, and at understanding what they mean.  She is loving and thoughtful—She always seems to be able to find the perfect gift.

She is independent.  She doesn’t need a man, but she chooses to have one.  She is passionate and affectionate.  She is an intimacy junkie like me.  She does not need to be saved, but has an uncanny way of knowing when they take charge, and when not to.

She has learned what it takes to make a great relationship, and is at a point in her life where she is ready to have one.  She knows herself well, and in touch with her emotions.  She communicates her thoughts and feelings with ease.  She doesn’t worry about holding things back.  If something is wrong, or just doesn’t seem right, she wants to address it.  She doesn’t wait for issues to grow into problems.

She takes responsibility for her words, her actions, and her relationships.  She is a true partner.  She is always wiling to put up her 50%, and happy to give more when it is needed.  She hates to give up—in our relationship, failure would never be an option for her. 

She will make an incredible mother, and will love Ryan as her own child.

And she likes to think to that as her not just getting a great guy, but two.

This is who I choose because I deserve someone THAT amazing.  I have earned it.  And earning it has prepared me for her.  I am now ready and willing to be as much to her as she will be to me.

And I KNOW that she exist because I am already tied to her.  We have never met, but I can already FEEL her out there.  And that is frustrating sometimes because she is close.  But I keep reminding myself that it is just a matter of time before we find each other.  And when we do, everything will fall into place.  So if you see her, please point her in my direction, and let her know that I am ready for her.

Did you ever have that perfect fit with someone?  No matter what they say is fascinating and you can talk to each other until dawn?  Sometimes I see Callum as a dream or a great movie.  Even now we can just talk to each other forever. 

There are times when there is a little bit of strain like when I know when he wants to end a call and panic over comes me.  I don’t want to end.  A phone call from him is all I have right now.  It takes all I have not to freak out wish him a great day in New Zealand while my night ends in Los Angeles. 

 It’s difficult to explain missing someone you feel really close to and have conversations like 3 times a day but it is what it is.  I miss him.  I miss his swagger; his gaze when he looks at me that see’s right through me.  I miss him around me, telling me how to drive, doing his turn at laundry.  Ha!  I miss coming home to him and pressing myself into his chest.

 This is what I’m grateful for.  The immigration process is moving along.  I get total control of the remote.  I can read a book without being distracted by Callum’s rugby physique in my peripherals. 

 In my quietest moments I think of every moment from our time in California wine country or our trip to San Francisco and even our bench where we had our first argument in Pasadena.  I smile because I still have him but so much closer then most.  When you’re not in front of each other a different kind of intimacy can develop.  We hear each other when we speak and we dream out loud to each other.

“Okay baby what do you want to do first when you get back?”  The answer remains the same “I just want to be with you.” 

 I worked on being healthy in all areas of who I am.  I slip from time to time and admittingly had an 8 month delay on my weight release process but I feel it was needed.  I was getting married to someone I couldn’t honestly say when exactly I was going to see again and it freaked me out.  I feel like things are finally starting to settle and realized something about all my energy I put into Callum.  He is an added source of happiness but I cannot rely on him completely for my happiness.  I control that.  Like Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz I could go home anytime but I had to go through a journey first to  understand.

 Everything around me is a little brighter right now.   When I spoke to my mother in law this weekend she told me to start painting again.  Beverly is a talented painter herself.  She knows what she’s talking about.

She is right. I do need to start painting again.  This painting took me a year to complete.  I wanted it to be perfect.  When you look close enough you can see the strokes where it was covering something I previously painted.  Its now one of my favorites.  I stopped and I just let it be what it wanted to be. 

 Just letting it be what it wants to be…  This is how I’m training my body.  I’m letting it be what it wants to be.  My body took itself to shop for new clothes this weekend, go to a Pilates class, eat vegetarian and take herself to Whole Foods.  Then she wanted to sleep.  Lots of sleep.  At the end of this weekend she wanted to see an independent film just a half a block away from my home.  I feel new.  I feel ambitious.  I’m in a mixed state of wanting to kick some ass in fitness and stay in state of stillness. 

 I’m in a good place.