Yesterday I came home and Callum said “Your shrinking!” He looked directly at my body. When he does that it makes me nervous. He was telling me how I am noticable loosing inches. Callum said this for a few weeks now. In fact sometimes he says “hello there everly decreasing circle”, referring to my waist line. Talk about beautiful encouragement. My immediate response? Well I kind of felt like I was walking along in a forest and you hear somebody step on a branch and you suddenly stop. It takes me off guard. The female internal reoccurring question come up. “What does that mean?”
I know that my body is changing and my clothes are feeling better and I knew something was happening. I have been avoiding it even avoiding weighing myself. I did not intentionally, full heartedly want it to happen. This took a long time to admit. I literally stared at my computer screen for a while before writing this. Imagine admitting I am not sure if I want weight loss to happen.
The reality is I have been on a healthy nutrition program that shows results very quickly. In fact the first 2 weeks I safely lost 8 lbs. and that really put me over. Whoa there! Halt! Who said you should go so fast? Am I ready for this? I quickly learned I had to slow this process down. Secretly I have been fighting it every step of the way.
Last year I did a lot of soul-searching on why do I not want to get smaller in size? As soon as I hit 180 lbs. I felt safe. This has been the smallest I have been in my adult life. Last summer I knew it was fear based. Now I’m not sure. The struggle is that even though I am smaller now I am still a health risk. In fact my health is in treatment.
If I were to drop the final 50 lbs. my immediate scary thought is a new one. There would be no reason why I could not be a mother. I would be healthy enough for a pregnancy.
There are so many mixed emotions becoming a mother has over me. I did not have the best childhood. Apart of becoming a mother is addressing these issues head on. I really haven’t faced what has happened to me in my childhood. I never wanted it as an excuse to succeed in life. So I ignored it. The fear now is because I have ignored it for so long I do not want my history to transpose itself into my ability of becoming a good mother. Now with that said, how do I overcome this?
I have to not stop these gears in motion. I know by stopping it has created this illness. I have to go forward. I have to let go. Let go and do what is right to my body. I can no longer afford to stop my progress because the temporary disease that is occupying my body can get worse.
I can write the end of my story anywhere. 3 to 5 months away I can achieve my perfect weight if I just let it happen. I still wonder if I should do this? I don’t have a lot of time. I use to have decades of playing with the idea of being healthy. I don’t have that luxury any more.
Having babies with my husband is something I have to concentrate on. Visualization. I have to visualize and feel the real feelings of what it means to have my body at a healthy weight, be a mother and live harmoniously with my husband.
I have plenty of support around me. One of my favorite friends Lucy chants “Just do it! Don’t think about it too much just do it. Be happy.” Rebeca (my ex-therapist and my mentor) said to me recently “Do not fear being happy hija (hija means daughter in Spanish) you deserve to have a happy life. Don’t complicate it.” Noemi is getting married and I’m the bridesmaid. Noemi is one of the best manifester’s that puts things in action. So inspirational… Speaking of inspiration of transformation my dear friend Alia who by leaps and bounds is conquering her personal weight issues and going full steam ahead. Alia is so positive and has a new energy around her.
On that note the first serious steps. Measurements and weight need to be recorded. I’m on my way for the 1 millionth time with no apologies.